I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
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me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
That’s classic.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
me refusing to leave twitter
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny