The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
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Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
blocked.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
This is why I hate group projects
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
My dad teaching me to drive
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.