My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
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therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Told my coworker I want a dragon. He said I’m crazy for wanting anything that might set all my shit on fire but he’s the one that’s married.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*