[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
You Might Also Like
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse