When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
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Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
[first day as a billionaire]
Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
LA today:
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.