umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
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(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
OK. Hear me out. We are acquiring way too many of these and you’re not good at keeping them dusted anyway. So, let’s just dump EVERYONE’S cremated remains into this big one and clear up some table space.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
let’s discuss
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
My favorite type of men is ramen.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero