ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
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pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
Good boy 😂😂
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.