20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
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I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’