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*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school