Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
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me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
excuse me
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.