Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
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[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye