My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
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[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
these two trucks have the same bed length
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
Good Morning.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.