It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
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My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.