7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
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my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.