Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
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Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
🤣😂
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.