It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
![]()
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Roses are red
Violets are blue![]()
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
![]()
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty