It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
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This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!