this is why you should always wash behind your ears
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HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
Doormats are a gateway rug.
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
My god she’s good.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.