I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
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My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Had an epiphany today.