My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
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[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
The first matador
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.