Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
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THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”
Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.