Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
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I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
I’m sorry…what?
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?