I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
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I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
*mops up wine with cat*
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable