Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
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You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.