I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
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Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.