There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
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[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
They must have gotten it to go.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.