There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”

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Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.


[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want


*slams jug on counter*

Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.

Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.


Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid


I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.


*returns tent to Target*

CASHIER: What was the problem?

ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent


Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.


9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!


My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.


I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.