No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
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I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.