Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
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Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
My G.F. has a pair of ‘meatloaf’ panties.
On the front, it says ‘I would do anything for love’
On the back it says ‘but I wont do that.’
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]