I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
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My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Labreador
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]