*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
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[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i鈥檓 gonna break into y鈥檃lls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
In relationships, it鈥檚 important to pay attention to the person鈥檚 likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That鈥檚 why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I鈥檓 hungry, can I have some lunch now
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 馃槶馃槶
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that鈥檚 literally trying to beat rock with scissors
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God鈥檚 plan for us and I don鈥檛 think we鈥檙e going back to church anymore.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.