@Cpin42

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

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@Chhapiness

Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath

@Aspersioncast

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

@blonde_opinion

Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me

@LizHackett

I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.

@flashember

[DOG COP TV DRAMA]

DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!

SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.

@SheMightHave

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

@sofarrsogud

My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.

@craiguito

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

@Reverend_Scott

*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…

“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”

SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.

@mattZillaaaa

I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up