In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
*jingles half the way*
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Love it! 👍😂
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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.
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.
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It’s Dublin.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.