Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…
“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up