Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
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Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
work smarter, not harder
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti