If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
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Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
live long and prosper!
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
the grim reaper driving a taxi full of meats and cheeses call it death cab for charcuterie.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
the clam before the storm