Roses are red, you always mattered,
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I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
The Weeknd is back
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!