If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
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Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.