I am crying
You Might Also Like
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Ain’t no mountain high enough? Have you seen them?
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.