My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
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How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.