If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
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Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.