I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
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I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.