I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
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When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
thank god
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.