interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
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I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Hank is one in a melon.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
I told my vodka about you.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.