You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
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“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
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Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
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A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
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*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
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I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF