son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
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The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*