I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
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The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
#merica