[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
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How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Baller is short for ballerina
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?