Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
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Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
It’s an epidemic…
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
When your man makes a valid point
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.