Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
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“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
❤️❤️❤️
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.