wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
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I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake