Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
You Might Also Like
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Shoo shoo! 😂
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile