barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
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Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Oh, I bet you would be
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.