barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
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I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.