Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
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Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”